Eight People We Want Dead

By: Jefferson Cruz
email: jeff.scribbles@gmail.com

------------------------

You are not a saint, admit it. You can’t love humanity like what Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul did, but you are  neither a devil. You’ve had an overdose of human bitchiness and asshole-ness which keep on sending a teeth-clenching feeling to your nerves. You forever detest these homo sapiens’ display of arrogance, selfishness, mercilessness and moronic attitude that you want to roast them with a flame thrower. These bastards’ egotism and power tripping makes you want to hurl them with a hand grenade or launch a nuclear bomb right in their faces. And if cursing could kill, these people you loathe must be buried six feet under by now. Vanished. Wiped out on the face of our beloved Earth.

History tells us that anger, rage, fury or whatever you call it had caused enough cataclysms to humanity. Hitler’s revenge had annihilated thousands of Jews during the Holocaust. Rage had caused World Wars aside from the network wars. Anger caused Muslims and Christians to eliminate each other. Resentment constructed the Berlin Wall. Fury propelled Bin Laden to target the World Trade Center and Pentagon and turn planes into bombs in the September 11 Bombings. Anger also triggers a wife to kick his husband’s ass, tie him up in bed the whole week and shave his mistress’s head. If we analyze the tragic events in history, we would know that anger had caused enough devastation which affected so many lives. This is enough reason to restrain us from getting carried away by our emotions, but why do we still want to exterminate idiots, jerks, freeloaders and the likes? If you experience loathing for these sub-humans, do not blame yourself. Abomination to these idiosyncrasies is nothing but normal.

However, there are people who just can’t control their anger. Rudy, a college student who should be taking anger management, said that when he is faced with situations like dealing with abominable people, he never wants to talk. His fists do the talking. He wants brawl right there at the moment. And since we don’t want to be detained in luxurious hotels like CPDRC for killing a moron, we control our anger. We are peace loving, so we shut up and try to think of happy thoughts. We try to co-exist. Hey, we can’t go around obliterating inferior creatures! What we do is kill them in our imaginations. Who are these people we want dead? The list you are about to read is a countdown. Counting backwards has never been this satisfying!

8. Marian Rivera.  Our prophecy was fulfilled. The first time we saw this girl we knew she is going to be the Next Big Something. Within a few months, her celebrity status soared after starring in the hit teledrama Marimar. Who wouldn’t pity her poor-girl-persona-non-grata role? She continued enjoying her celebrity stature when she played Dyesebel, a mermaid whose head seemed to be burdened with too much algae, starfishes and whatnots. And to prove that people will still love her after haunting them on TV every night of their boring lives, she signed up for Darna, another TV show which was formerly played by her ultimate rival. A year after, she disappointed us. Little by little, we see the true Marian: palengkera, someone who confronts fans, someone who snubs reporters and mouths lethal words. We knew her speaking lines in her commercials were dubbed, but we forgave her. We knew that she just wouldn’t do good in hosting and speaking on cam, we tolerated her. But the moment we found out that she was fondling Dingdong Dante’s privates and definitely stealing this gorgeous guy from his girlfriend, we want her dead on the spot. According to Yahoo News, Marian “reportedly told a staff member, ‘Di ba sinabi ko sa inyo na ayaw ko nang maputik?’ So, what did the staff do to appease the complaining actress? He reportedly carried Marian to a mud-less place.” 

Immediately, we declared a boycott. We ceased to watch her TV shows. She stopped existing. We killed her!

7. Carlo J. Caparas. You were one of his fans way back. You love his funny and weird fantasy-like stories in the comics. You even wasted your money to watch his massacre films which he himself directed. You loved it how he kills the lead characters of his film, always dramatized. Always overacted. And who would forget his phenomenal movie titles?The Marita Gonzaga Rape-slay: In God We Trust, The Untold Story: Visconde Massacre 2: God Have Mercy on Us, etc. Recently, he was declared National Artist for Film and Visual Arts, and as expected, a lot of critics reacted. When he retaliated on a TV show by saying, “You are only jealous,” we smashed the TV. We laugh every time we see him on the news. We wanted him to be massacred by Bakekang, Gagambino, Tasya Fantasya and all the craps he created on comics.

6. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. If you don’t have a slightest idea of why we are mad at this bitch, denounce your citizenship. You are not a Filipino.

5. Hayden Kho. Who hates Hayden Kho? If you do, you must be kidding! Yes, his sex videos have caused a ruckus in the Philippine entertainment scene, but everybody loves them! Once the videos had leaked out to the world wide web, the gay kingdom and the matronas celebrated. They have witnessed a nude doctor performing a lavish love making with different partners. But still, there were uproars from the conservatives and the moralists. Whatever happened to decency? His professional license should be confiscated. He should be banned from hospitals. Women and women alike want him dead. On their beds.

4. Kanye West. MTV and other music award giving bodies should ban this dirt from attending awards nights. Don’t give him an award and he’ll storm the stage and steal somebody’s moment. The universe detested him when he grabbed the microphone from dear Taylor Swift and said, "Taylor, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time." We don’t want him dead immediately. We want to skin him and see if his flesh is black.

3. Gov. Gwen Garcia. There are times when you see her pictures all over the local dailies. You start wondering if she really had a nose job, a face lift, or just Botox. And if you happen to attend one of the many activities sponsored by the Capitol, you will suffocate in the sight of gigantic tarpaulins with her pictures in different poses. This vain politician launched a photo contest entitled “Catch her if you can.” The mechanics of this photo contest is to take candid pictures of the governor in her busy moments during her visits to towns. Maybe she just wants to know how it feels to be chased by paparazzi. Gov. Gwen should be thankful that vanity doesn’t kill. But what if it does? Probably, she’ll be dead by now.

2. Jacque Bermejo. This imbecile is the most disgusting creature one will ever encounter online. This foreigner wannabe reportedly commented in her facebook on the Ondoy flooding in Manila. “Buti n lng am hir in dubai! maybe so many sinners bak der! so yeah deserving wat hapend.” What kind of human does that? After her sensible post, hundreds of facebook users’ comments flooded online.  There were a lot of criticisms and investigations on her identity were launched. And just recently, she denied everything in an interview on TV. She reasoned that her facebook account was hacked and stalkers were using her name to defame her. We don’t know if we will believe her. All we know is that people are mad. And they want a tsunami of flood to sweep her away from the face of the universe.

1. Tracy Isabel Borres. We conclude that she is one of the most successful Pinoys to ignite the anger of the online community when she wrote in one of her blogs, "I was going to be alone with a random Aeta family. Oh my God! I'm in hell!" This Paris-Hilton-like socialite loathes being with the natives. She finds them dirty and kadiri! She met her doom when she signed up for an immersion. This elite, classy girl is an Atenista and just when we expect her to apply her knowledge and socializing skills, we read a rant how bad she wanted the Aetas to get away from her. She boasts on how she managed to skip meals while being immersed in the community of Aetas. She detests the kids and kept on screaming how dirty these people are. She swore never to get back on in that place again. Well, if she wants to be famous, she already is. The online community abhors her, her schoolmates denounce her. We want her dead and buried with the ancient Aetas. After all, they are her distant ancestors.

So we found a solution to this perennial anger management problem. If we don’t want to go to jail, just hack them to pieces in our imaginations!