Somewhere Out There

Monday, May 9, 2011


“Hey, Blake!”
Kiel called on my back, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I can’t. Instead, I walked fast the hallway, passing a big crowd of student, seniors and juniors, who were talking about the JS prom, the best day of a senior’s life. Everyone seemed excited. Except me. I was not excited at the prospect of dating Jessica on the prom at all. I was wondering what was wrong with me. Of course, I really know what’s wrong with me. But I just can’t take and accept it. I want Jess. I want Jess, I kept repeating these words in my head. I want Jess.
I turned towards the locker room. I walked in and shut the door behind me even harder than what was necessary. I unlocked my locker and tossed a pile of books inside when I heard the door squeaked open. I didn’t turn to know that it’s Kiel. I knew he’d follow. He’s always like that. But this time, I really didn’t know if I wanted him here.
“You have a problem,” he said and it was not a question. He always knew if I have a problem or none. He knows me well. And every time I opened up to him, he always manages to make me feel better. He’s like an angel. Yeah, an angel. He’s my angel. Jeez. What am I talking about?
“Blake?” he whispered, his left hand resting on my left shoulder. His voice was always happy. He’s always gay. Of course, he’s a gay, I knew. His voice is always boosting me with happiness, just like every time he flashes me those smiles that revealed a perfect white teeth. He’s a comforter. Of course, he’s my best friend. Yes. Best friend. He’s only my best friend. Only best friend, I kept on reminding myself. And we should not cross that border because it’s just…shameful. “What’s your problem?”
“You!” I said with hardness on my voice. I shook off his hand on my shoulder and leaned my head on the locker. I felt like crying. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, fighting hard the tears that threatened to escape from my close lids.
“Me?” he said and I knew his merging his brows in the middle. I pictured him out on my head. “What’s happened?” his voice was curios. I opened my eyes, telling myself to do the right thing. “Why me?”
I took a deep breath before I turned to face him. He met my gaze with those warm and loving blue eyes. I suddenly felt ashamed as I think of the next thing I planned to do.

“I don’t want to see your fuckin’ face again,” I felt my eyes stinging as the tears began to form. “Leave me. Forever!”
I was making few steps towards the door when he grabbed me on my shoulder and said, “Let’s talk about it then. Have I done something wrong? Tell me.”
I grabbed him with his shirt and pushed him hard against the lockers and they went banging. I felt my hand shaking as I tightened my grip on his collar. I could see tears in his eyes.
“Leave me alone!” I yelled before releasing him. He fell onto the floor with a gentle thud, and he leaned against the lockers.
I turned to my back, and tears began to flow from my eyes. I shook my head and walked out of the locker room. I’m sorry, Kiel. This is the only way I know. I said to my head. I’m afraid to admit that I am loving you.
Later that evening, I was lying across on my bed, my arms and legs were dangling on both sides of the bed. I was thinking why everything went wrong. Everything was falling out of the place. What was happening wasn’t suppose to. I closed my eyes, feeling what the beating of my heart desires to do.
Then my phone rang, and it was Kiel. I was thinking if I would answer him or not. But before I could even stop myself, my thumb found the answering button and pressed it. So I brought the phone to my ear.
“Hey!” he muttered, voice was raspy. And I knew then that he’d been crying.
“Hey!” I whispered back.
“Whatever I’ve done wrong, I’m sorry. I hope you’d tell me though, because I’m not good at guessing and you know that.” His breathing was deep and counted. “My head here overheated trying to figure out why.”
“Which head? The one that is hidden below or the one up that speaks?” I joked, but he didn’t laugh along with me.
“Jeez. Whichever. Be serious, you goddamn mama’s boy.”
“I’m not a mama’s boy,” I argued.
“Yes, you are,” he laughed, and I’m glad he did. And then we came into an awkward silence broken only by his occasional clearing of throat, waiting who would speak first.
“Okay. I’m sorry,” I spoke first. “It’s not you, really. I’m sorry.”
“Why then?”
“Are you at home? Can I come over?”
“Yes. For both questions,” he answered and I knew his smiling.
Ten minutes later we were sitting on his bedroom’s balcony where we got a clear view of the night sky that was spluttered with tiny shimmering silver dots. We were eating popcorn like we’re watching a movie.
“What was it all about, then? I reckon it’s not me anymore,” Kiel looked at me intently.
“I’m afraid it’s still you,” I answered. He’s about to argue but I immediately put my index finger on his warm lips to stopped him. “Let me talk first, ‘Kay?”
“I don’t know how to put this together.” I took a deep breath and released a heavy sigh. “It’s like I don’t want Jess anymore. Okay. Here. I’m in love with . . .”
“Whaaaa? Stupid,” he cut me off. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with another girl again,” he shook his head and tsked. “You’re such a playboy jerk!”
He looked up into the sky and then threw some popcorn into the air, catching them through his mouth. He stopped and looked at me again. We held gaze, his were displaying sadness I’m too numb to feel before. Because all of those times he wishes it’s him.
“Who’s this unfortunate girl, then?”
I took a deep breath, swallowed hard and whispered, “You.”
”Jeez.” He grabbed a handful of popcorn and threw them on my face. “Be serious. I’m serious.”
I looked away from him. My heart beating fast like it was going to get out of my chest. I swallowed hard again and said, “And I’m more than serious.”
“Whatever,” he rolled hid eyes and then stood up.
`”Where are you goin’?” I asked.
“I don’t like you’re jokes. They’re too funny that I forgot to laugh. I don’t want you joking like that. You can go home now. I’ll go to sleep. Night.”
I stood up and followed him. Before he could grab the door knob, I grabbed his arm and pulled him to my chest. We stood still on the moonlit room, holding our gaze. I could feel his breath lingering on my face. I felt my eyes stinging as his tears were making their way down to his cheeks.
I kissed his forehead softly, then I silently moved my lips to his teary eyes, and then to the tip of his nose. And finally lingered on his lips. He slowly gripped the side of my shirt as I cupped his face with my hand. I pressed my lips even harder and then he pulled away.
“This is crazy,” he whispered and looked down.
“I know,” was all my answer.
“All this time I love you,” he looked at me again. “I badly wanted you. I was hoping it’s me. But . . . we’re not supposing to . . .” He stammered and shook his head. “It’s better if we remain friends.”
“Does it make any difference, Kiel?”
He didn’t answer, he just shook his head.
“What would other people think?”
“It’s not at all important,” I said.
“Of course it is. I’m just worried for you. They’ll laugh at you,”
“I don’t care. Let’s make it a secret then.”
He sat on his bed and put his hands on his head, “Why me?” he sobbed. “Why not just Arianne or Stacy or Tarah or Jess?”
I sat beside him and grabbed his right hand. I placed it on the place where I knew my heart was beating wildly, “Ask my heart then, and he’ll tell you.” We held our gaze again and I said, “I love you, Kiel.”
He threw his arm around me and said while sobbing, “I love you more, Blake. I stupidly love you.”
“I know you do.”
After how many months of hiding, our relationship came into the knowledge of his friends, of our friends, of everybody. Every time I walked in the hallway, I was met by those piercing eyes. They’re all whispering to each other’s ear, judging. But what hurts me most is the thought that Blake was being laughed at. Am I to be blamed?
I was about to get inside the locker room when I heard people talking inside. I peered through the door and saw Blake’s friends, surrounding a guy who was busy searching something inside his locker. He’s like a prey being cornered by fierce and evil predators. I felt pity on him. I felt pity on Blake.
“Your taste had changed, huh?” Simon smirked at Blake. But Blake refused to turn and look at him. And it hurts me seeing Blake so helpless. I wanted to ran inside and explain them everything. But what’s the point of explaining, when in the first place we’re already judged. And, would they ever understand?
“Why him?” Simon asked.
“If you could only borrow my eyes, then you could see the girl inside of him.”
And with that answer, his friends burst out laughing like evils. My tears flowed, and I walked away. Just as I was about to turn right, Blake called on my back.
I halted. But I didn’t turn to face him. Then I went half-running, heading to the parking lot. I wanted to get into my car and drive away home. I wanted to shut myself inside my bedroom, fling myself into my bed, and cry my eyes out like a big and pathetic baby.
I put the key into ignition and revved the engine to life. But Blake stood on my way. He walked towards the passenger’s side, opened the door and got himself inside. I sat absentmindedly, gripping the steering wheel very hard that it turns my knuckles to white, as he settled himself on the seat.
We just sat there in silence, letting the air hang between us.
“I wanted to take care of you, Kiel. I wanted to give you what your heart desires,” he muttered, blinking back his tears. “I wanted to treat you like a princess you were supposed to be.”
“This isn’t the right time and place for us, Blake.”I whispered, smiling sadly. This time, my eyes didn’t smile at all.
“I wanted to fight for you,” he bowed his head to hide the tears that rolled down to his cheeks. “But I’m fighting a losing battle. It’s hard to win when the world was against from you.”
“So you’re giving up. Are you breaking up with me?” I asked, my voice was breaking.
He shrugged. I took his hand and squeezed it. I smiled at him and said, “Say it.”
He looked at me reluctantly before saying, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“No, it won’t hurt me. I know it would put things back to the proper place again. What you’ve done for me had made me happy. Even for a very short time, you make me feel I’m worth loving.”
“I love you.”
“I know, and so do I,” I bit my lower lip and breath deeper and deeper, wanting the lump in my throat to disappear. “Thank you for giving me the chance to love and be loved.”
“Why do we have to love each other, when there is no way for us to be together?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because we’re in the wrong place.” I answered.
“Is there any other place where we supposed to love?”
I thought for a moment before saying, “Yes . . . there’s a place for us. Somewhere . . . out there. Where nobody knows you and me.”
“Can we escape there now?” he asked, hopeful.
“I don’t know the way,” I shook my head.
“Maybe that place doesn’t exist.”
“I’m not sure,” I said. But I knew we both knew that that place doesn’t really exist. We just wanted to tell our hearts that there’s still hope. We’re just convincing ourselves that there’s a chance for the two of us to be together. “Let’s just wait and see.”
“I’ll wait until forever.”
We held our gaze and smiled weakly to each other. Then he slowly moved towards me and presses his lips against mine. His lips felt incredibly warm and soft. I bit his lower lip as he traced my upper lip with his tongue. I breathe him in, wanting to remember his smell and his taste. Then I pulled away, gasping for our breath. My forehead and his met, our breath mixed in the open air between our faces.
“I love you,” I whispered. And a tear escaped from my close eyelids. “And goodbye.”



Post a Comment

Enter your comments here!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Yummy Athletes

Indie Boys


  © Blogger template Brownium by 2009

Back to TOP