The Last Kiss (Chapter 5)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Last Kiss (Chapter 4) <—— Click this to read Chapter 4


I parked my car near the pavement and headed towards the beach─ my comfort zone. Ever since I’m in grade school, I always go down here whenever I felt lonely, distressed and broken. Whenever I felt sick of the mocking laughter of my classmates about the fact that I don’t have a dad, I escape into here. But that was before I met Kirsten and Arielle. They’ve been my comforter ever since, especially Kirsten who’s always eager to listen, or sometimes lending me her shoulder.
But today, I can’t risk of including them on my problem. They’ve been through enough. They have problems in their own. And besides, we’re grown-ups now. We can handle and solve our own problems.
The moment I stepped into the sand of the beach, I removed my sneakers and placed it on a flat stone. It just feels good walking barefooted. I love the feeling of the sand on my sole.
A cool breeze scented with the clean, watery fragrance of the seawater pleasantly replaced the warmth of the day. Facing the water, I lifted my arms on my side and closed my eyes. I inhaled deeply, wanting the clinging pain to go away with the breeze. Like what I used to do when I was in grade school.
But this time, the ritual did nothing in easing the pain I felt. It didn’t even lighten my feeling. It was just different.
I opened my eyes slowly, squinting against the playing waves in front of me. And a tear flowed down to my cheek. I felt helpless. My mind was racing in thinking any way to make myself feel better. Then I found my own arms wrapping around me, comforting myself because nobody’s here to do such thing.
I slowly sat down on the sand, and then wrapped my arms around my knees. I watched the sun that was drifting down the sky. I watched it kissing the sea, making it blush pink and purple. The beauty of the sunset was absolutely amazing, and I felt my breath catch with pleasure.

Closing my eyes again, I concentrated on the things in my life that were absolutely lovely. And not this pain that’s been caused by a foolish love. I thought about my mom, who was able to give me everything despite the fact that I don’t have a dad. I thought about Kirsten and Arielle, who were always providing me the atmosphere of love and care. That despite of the fact that I am a gay; they still let me feel the sense of belongingness.
I buried my face between my knees as the memory of Lance popped in my mind. The one when he held my hands under the rain and he told me that he likes me. That he loves me. And then he gave the kiss that’s been even sweeter like the first.
Then all of a sudden, I felt my tears beginning to run down my cheeks. The sweet and happy memories were indeed crazy things. They make us cry , and torn our hearts when we remember them. I sobbed, asking myself why on Earth I believe on his lies. If only I just succumbed into the lure of his untrue love, my heart was still whole now.
“When your heart is broken, do not bow your head in sadness and pain. Why don’t you look up into the sky? It is where your heart was sent to heal. Until it is whole again.” A familiar voice said. I wiped out my tears before looking up. I saw Rolf standing beside me, watching the setting sun, hands inside his pockets. He sat slowly, and then crossed his legs.
A familiar feeling erupted inside me. It was anger. Anger towards this new guy who’s so annoying. And now he’s invading my comfort zone.
“Why are you here?” I mumbled through gritted teeth.
“I just wanted to watch as the sun sets”, he looked at me and smiled. “But I saw you here, crying because of a lost love.”
“And how d’you know it’s about a lost love? You seemed so sure, huh?”
“I heard you.” He smiled teasingly. “Both of you. In the locker room.”
There! This guy was not just an invader or an annoying git, he’s an eavesdropper. And he’s getting on my nerve.
“Seriously. What’s your deal?” I felt my temper rising.
“Can I ask you something?” he looked at me intently. “Why do you hate me that much?”
“What are you talking about?” I traced a figure on the sand. “I don’t hate you.”
“Yes, you do. Don’t lie. Your face says it.”
I averted my gaze away from him. He got me there. He doesn’t have to read my mind to know what I’m feeling. My face shows it. I’m a terrible liar. My face always brays me. It’s incapable of lying.
“Why?” he asked again when I didn’t answer.
We held our gaze for a few seconds. His gaze seemed passing inside me─ like he knows everything about me I felt naked. His eyes were flashing me his optimism, caring and friendliness. It was filling me with shame ─ shame of being so unkind to him.
I swallowed hard and pressed my lips together.
“Because ─” I paused, hesitating. “─ you’re so . . . annoying.”
“I just want to be friends with you.”
“Why does it have to be me?”
“Why not?” he said and looked away into the setting sun. “You don’t want me to be a friend. Have I done something wrong?”
I searched for my jumbled memory of the things he did wrong, and found nothing. Well, except for the fact that he annoys me, which I didn’t voice out again because I’m sure he got nothing to do about it. I figured out it’s me who’s wrong. So I decided to give chance to this new lad.
I looked at him and chuckled. I laughed more at myself. I felt my laughter vibrating in my chest. I laughed until a single tear dropped.
I found my hands slowly sneaking into his. We clasped our hands together. The sand felt rough between our palms. His curious look at me faded. His mouth slowly twitched, turning into a sweet smile.
I squeezed his hand as I said, “Sorry. I guess I’m a lunatic.” I laughed. “Okay. We’re friends now.”
“That’s cool. Thanks”, he smiled.
“I’m sorry if I’ve been rude”, I said and let go of his hand. “I don’t know why.”
“Maybe it’s because you’re brokenhearted. Because he’s hurt you.” The moment he said it, the pain I felt a while ago that temporarily vanished had came back. The lump in my throat was beginning to form again as he added, “That’s why you hated boys.”
I nodded weakly and looked into the sea. I wished I could dive into it and be carried by the waves.
“You miss him.” He said, and it was not a question.
“No, I don’t miss him. I guess, I miss who I thought he was.” I talked pass the lump in my throat.
“Don’t cha worry. Pain will fly away in the wings of time. Someday, you’ll get over him.” He said like he was so sure of it. “When your heartbreak ends.”
“Why did they call it heartbreak anyway? It feels like every part of my body was broken, too.”
“I guess it’s just the way it is.” He stretched his legs in front of him, burying his feet on the sand. “Love and pain came in handy.”
“I actually understand that with love comes pain. But why did I have to love so much? I hate this. I mean, I’m gay. Nobody would ever give me back equal love like what I give ‘em away.”
“Don’t say that. We all deserve someone to love us. No matter what we are.”
“Well, thanks for saying that.” I smiled weakly.
“You’re hurting because you keep on looking back. When it already ended, don’t waste your time trying to restart it again. You just have to let go of him, and shield yourself from pain.”
“It’s just that, I can’t help myself. Because ─” I paused and took a deep breath, letting the words hang in the open air between us in a moment. I looked into his navy blue eyes. “─ it’s hard to let go of him. It’s as hard as making him love me.”
“The next time your learning to love again, make sure you’re also learning to let go. So, you’ll not hurt yourself when everything ends.”
“Love”, I sighed. “It’s a stupid thing, isn’t it? It opens our chest. It opens our hearts. And if our hearts are open, it means that someone can come in. Of course, we’ll let them in. But what is worse is that . . .” I stopped, smiled and closed my eyes. And a tear escaped from my close eyelid.
“When they’re inside our hearts, they’ll destroy it. They’ll mess inside.” He continued.
I opened my eyes and blink back the tears. “Of course. They never ask for our hearts. We let them in. It’s because one day they did something crazy.”
He looked at me and we held our gaze. He smiled and whispered, “Like kissing you under the rain.”
I looked away from his eyes. “Yuhh! Absolutely.”
My cheeks felt cold and I realized they were wet with tears. He wiped them out of my eyes.
We spent the time talking anything, getting unconscious of the running time. The sunset that had earlier colored the sea had gone. I looked into the sky and see that the stars were getting visible. Darkness was beginning to creep everywhere.
I sniffed the fragrance of the sea. And suddenly, something odd happened. I felt lighter, stronger and even happier. I felt relieved. I just hope this would continue.
“I felt like I wanted to spend the night in here.” Rolf said.
“I’m afraid I wanted the same, too.” I replied. “But it’s getting late. And my mom might kill me, Rolfy.”
He looked at me with that questioning look. So I asked, “What?”
“Rolfy”, I repeated. “You don’t like it?”
“It sounds like a dog’s name.”
“It’s cute. And don’t cha worry, you’re not a dog. You’re a cute li’l puppy to me.” I laughed. “So, let’s go?”
He nodded. He got up and helped me on my feet. I shook off the sand on my feet and butt. We started walking, heading to our cars. I saw that he parked his car next to mine.
I opened the door of my car as I said, “See you tomorrow, then.”
“Yup! See yah.” He winked. “Thanks!”
We started our engines to life. We headed home, driving in opposite directions.
I found myself smiling for having a new friend. I searched inside my heart of something like a weird fetish. Like what I felt to Lance in the beginning. And I found nothing. He’s a friend to me now. Yeah! At this point of time, I’m not at all looking for a guy whom I could replace from Lance. Maybe building my circle of friends. And I’m just so glad I met him.
CLiCK THiS TO READ CHAPTER 6 —->The Last Kiss (Chapter 6).


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