Maybe Someday

Monday, April 4, 2011

“What are you thinking, babe?”
I asked Haven, my fingers smoothing the curve of her cheeks. We are sitting on the sand of Tropicana Beach Resort that was still warm because of the sunlight. We were having night swimming with her friends.
The salty breeze flows gently, enough to make her hair billow. I brushed her hair off her face and smiled when she turned to me. She looked back into the setting sun that left a trail of ivory and indigo, spreading into the large sky.
“Nothing”, she whispered under her breath.
Nothing. I took a deep breath, knowing what was running in her mind. Or rather, who was running in her mind. It was him. Her recent boyfriend. Her past. Her ex. I could tell it. Her brown eyes were looking at a distant, passing through the horizon, out of space. I knew she still love him. And that was hurting her. And that was hurting me, too.
I took a deep breath and stared at the sea, wondering whether or not I should confront her. I mean, I haven’t talk to her about it. I was afraid she’d be offended.
But then I decided to just leave it on the air, unspoken. Sometimes, having to hoard things like this could really hurt. I mean, what if she’ll say that she still loves him, and ask me to just let her go? That will kill me. I’ll fight for her. Someday, she’ll gonna love me the way I love her, or the way she loves him.
Someday. This was the only word that held me to her. The only word that made the little flame of hope flicker inside my heart, despite of the tears I cried that threatened it.

I closed my eyes, trying really hard not to cry. But suddenly, I felt my eyes were stinging as the tears were formed behind my close eyelids. I bowed my head to hide, but a tear had already escaped from my close lids.
“Sky?” she whispered, her voice deep and sincere. But I didn’t look at her. I can’t. And I certainly can’t utter the words that she must hear.
Babe, it really hurts me every time I see you like this. When you cry, I cry, too. Because the pain you felt was doubled in me. I’m the one who’s here beside you now. I’m the one who loves you more than anybody else. Please, stop acting as if you can’t be happy without him. Just forget him and the past. I really do love you.
“Sky, please, what is it?” she asked, alarmed by my tears. “Babe, you’ve been like this for days? Is it I? Is it something I’ve done wrong?”
I wrapped my arms around me, scrunching my shoulders and bowing my head. I took a deep breath and sighed, knowing that her words were true, that it’s something she’d done wrong. Couldn’t she hide it from me? His love for him?
She moved towards me, sliding her arm around me. She burrowed her fingers on my hair. I got up on my feet and walked towards the sea. I sat on its edge, allowing the cold little waves to splash on my legs. And wished I could dive into the sea and be carried by the tied, to avoid saying the words that might end everything.
I remained like that for several minutes, until the sun finally vanished. She just sat there beside me in silence. Then I finally turned to her, taking in her dark shadowy figure that was almost indistinguishable from the night. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I mumbled, “Haven… babe… there’s something I need to tell you.”
She looked at me, her fingers inching towards mine that were resting on the wet sand. “It’s just that…” I paused, my heart started to beat fast. I felt her gaze as I took a deep breath, determined to continue the words I must say. But I was caught by my cowardice again, and instead, I said, “ I love you. Very much that I can’t imagine life without you. You’re the best thing ever happened in me.” I entwined my fingers with hers. My tears were streaming down to my cheeks. And with trembling voice, I said, “ Please. Don’t. Ever. Leave. Me.”
She tightened her grip on me. She moved closer and hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her. She moved her head and kissed my teary eyes. Her lips moved gently down to the tip of my nose, and finally lingered on my lips. I tasted a tear on her lips. Then she moved her lips silently, gently, to my cheeks, and planted a kiss on the place where my shoulder and neck meets. “I’ll never ever leave your side. I promise.” She whispered.
That night, we sat together with her friends on the sand around a bonfire. The fire blazed within its circle of sea rocks, and we sat around it on a cold beach night. Lovers were huddled together. We were sitting by two’s. Well, except for Brandon who sat alone, playing the can of his beer. Or rather, the cans of his beers. He already emptied a lot of them.
I looked up above and saw a large and a deep black sky dotted with silver from the stars, and orange from the sparks that were flying up from the crackling fire. Crabs were eavesdropping in the distance on the cooling sand, surrounding us. I looked at Haven. Her face was full of emotion, of pain, of sadness, of longing, of heartbreaking love as she stared absentmindedly at Brandon.
Obviously, it was only because of one thing ̶ love. She wanted to be with him. She’s wishing it was Brandon who’s sitting beside her, and not me. She wanted to feel his arms wrapped around her, protecting her from the cold night. She felt an undeniable longing to press her lips against his. I knew all of this by just simply staring at her. Her face said it. Her love for him was still burning inside her, in her eyes. Like eternal flame.
“Hey, Brandon!” Alice waved at him. “You brought your guitar?”
“Ah yeah! It’s in my tent”, he answered. He stood up and sought for his flip-flops that were lying several feet away from him, half-buried on the sand. He put them on his feet and shook away the sand. “I’ll just go and get it.”
“Let’s have a walk?” I asked Haven as Brandon passed behind us, heading to his tent. She pressed her lips together, which made her dimple appear on her right cheek. I got up and extended my hand to her, helping her on her feet. Then we headed to the edge of the sea.
We were supposed to be walking, but we just stood there for several minutes. My arm was on her shoulder, and hers on my waist. The water felt cold as they splashed on our bare feet.
“Look!” I shouted and pointed my finger onto the large and dark night sky. I saw a shooting star, which of course, disappeared right before my eyes. “Have you seen that?”
I looked at her when she didn’t answer me. I went silent as I saw her eyes were closed, mouth twitched, making a wish. Then I smiled and closed my eyes also. I was thinking what should I wish. Ah! I know, I thought. I wish she would be happy. And would be always.
Then I opened my eyes and saw Haven staring at me, scrutinizing my face and smiling sweetly.
“What did you wish, huh?” she asked, turning to rest her head on my shoulder.
“Tell me yours first”, I traded.
“I asked you first.”
“Nah! That’s a secret. Sorry, babe.” I teased.
“Come on, tell me”, she pleaded.
“Nope.” I tilted my head and kissed her forehead, smelling the scent of her hair. “Let’s get back in there. My legs were complaining.”
We sat back on our place. The fire was now losing its power. I laughed as I listened to Alice, Jimmy, Harry, Kathy, Riley and Arielle singing out of tune with Brandon’s guitar, then felt glad when it came on its end. I mentally laughed and rolled my eyes.
“Next song, please!” Kathy yelled.
“Hey guys! Let’s listen to Brandon. He’ll gonna sing now”, Harry clapped her hands. “Go! We have awful voices, haven’t we?” he added laughingly as he saw Brandon’s eyebrows merged together. “Let’s give him a hand”, and we all clapped. They seemed drank.
Brandon rolled his eyes and started tuning his guitar. I looked at Haven, and then to Brandon who was then started strumming his guitar. Then the music went on. How can I carry on the way? He sang. The mem’ries. The moment I heard it, I turned to Haven, watching as her face fell down. I knew it hit her. Say You’ll Never Go, huh?
I clasped my hand with hers. She turned to face me and we held our gaze. I smiled, half-listening to Brandon who sang his heartaches, his pains, and the unspoken thought inside of him, through the song. I felt his pain, and his longing for Haven, and knew then that he still loves her. Before hitting the final line of the song, I saw tears making their way to his cheeks. His voice trembled. He sobbed. All of us turned to him, shocked by his sudden outburst.
“You left me”, he sobbed. I knew it was for Haven. He slowly stood up and look at us, at Haven, and then shook his head. I squeezed Haven’s hand, trying to make her feel comfort.
Jimmy stood up and threw his arm around Brandon’s shaking shoulder. “Hey, dude, let’s have a walk.”
“No! Put your hands off me!” he exclaimed, shaking his arm off from his shoulder. He turned to Haven again.
“You told me you love me. But why? Why did you leave me? It’s so hard without you”. He wiped out his tears with the back of his hand. “I missed you so much, hon. Everyday I kept on asking myself why on Earth you left me.”
“That’s not true!” Haven’s eyes were filled with tears. I wanted to wipe them away, but I can’t move. I couldn’t take in what was happening. That’s not true! Does she have to defend herself? I swallowed hard.
Then Brandon slowly approached her. He knelt in front of her and took her right hand, holding it with both of his hands. He planted a kiss on it, not minding my presence.
“It’s really hard for me to pretend I’m fine. To pretend I’m happy for you. But deep inside I was bleeding. I was hurt”, he tapped his chest with his finger. “But then I have to hold back my tears,” his face fell down. “Because from what I see, you’re happy. You’re doing fine. Without me.”
I reached for him and said, “Hey, dude, please stop this. You’re just friggin’ drank.”
“Don’t touch me!” he stood up and punched me on the face. I fell onto the sand. My nose was bleeding, and I tasted blood. I wiped it and stood up to avenge. But before I could strike, Jimmy and Harry caught me on my arms. They pulled me backward, away from him. Riley, Alice and Arielle also pulled Brandon away. And Haven.
I watched Haven as she stood beside Brandon, protecting him from me. “Stop this!” she yelled, hands were shaking. I could see the tears drying on her face.
My eyes started to sting. I blinked once, twice, to keep my tears from falling. I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat. She’s supposed to stand beside me. Not beside him.
I pressed my lips together and looked into the dying fire, knowing she broke the promise she made awhile. I closed my eyes, recalling the tenderness of her voice as she said those words that had made my heart somersault. I’ll never ever leave your side. I promise.
I shook off their grip on me, and walked away, heading to where my feet would bring me. I went to the edge of the sea and curled my toes. My tears were unstoppably flowing. This is enough, I thought. I just can’t take this anymore. I’m giving up.
“Sky”, Haven whispered behind me. She knelt and embraced me through my back. I took her hand and brought it to my cheek, feeling the warmth of her skin.
“Do you love me, babe?” I asked her foolishly. I could feel her breath on my neck.
“Yes. I love you”, she said. I don’t know if she’s convincing me, or herself. “You know how much I love you.”
“Yes. I know. But not as much as you love him.”
“Sky”, she moved to my side and held my hand, squeezing it.
“Thank you for staying. And for trying to make me happy. For trying to love me. I was so selfish that I forgot you; I forgot to ask myself if you’re happy with me. I was really hoping that you’d love me someday, the way you love him. Yes, I had your heart. But I never had your love, and never would I have it.” I wiped my tears with my fingers and looked at her. She’s looking at a distant; tears were streaming down to her cheeks.
“You want this to end?” I asked gently.
“I don’t want to hurt you”, she cried.
“You’re already hurting me. Please. Don’t lie.”
“I’m so sorry, babe.” She wrapped her arms around me and burst out crying. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry.”
“Do you still want to know what I had wished with the shooting star? It’s for you. That you’d be happy. I wish you would be happy with him now,”
“I was trying, babe. I was trying to love you. I really do. That’s what I wished. That someday, I’m gonna learn to love you. “ She sobbed. I felt her tears were falling on my shoulder.
“Maybe someday”, I whispered. “But now… I have to set you free.”
She wiped the blood on my nose, and pressed her lips hardly against mine. I tasted my own salty tears on the curve of her lips, as I breathe her in, her scent, her taste, the feel of her skin, wanting to carry the memory of this last kiss.
“Thank you”, she whispered. And I smiled at her sweetly.
I watched her as she slowly made her steps away from me when I asked her to leave me alone for a while. And I knew she’s heading to him. My heart sank in pain. But half of me was happy, knowing that she’d be happy because I let her go. I wanted to hold back my tears, just like what I always do. But this time was different. The pain was so unbearable, which made my tears ran down fast.
“I love you, babe”, I whispered in the salty wind. “I know I could forget you. Maybe someday.”


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