Thursday, February 24, 2011

by Gian Carlo Licanda


“I love you, too.”
Kirsten giggled. She’s talking to her boyfriend over the phone. She always talked with him; always whispering sweet little nothings and making wet kissing sound through the phone. I was hoping she would get over it by now. I mean, I am happy that she has found the love of her life. It’s just that, I’m feeling love deprived.
“Okay, seriously. How much longer can this possibly last?” I said, drumming my fingers on the yellow fiberglass table of the cafeteria. She said goodbye to her boyfriend on the phone.
“You talkin’ to me?” she asked, her blue eyes were really in love as she opened it widely. She tossed her wavy chocolate brown hair behind her shoulder.
“Oh, yes! I’m talking to you”, I wagged my finger to her. “Don’t you think it’s time to tone it down a little? Because some of us aren’t quite happy as you. Some of us are a little bit love deprived.”
She turned to Arielle whose mind was focused on the food she’s eating. Her long blonde hair was tied into a ponytail. “Are you love deprived, Arielle?”
She looked to us. Finally, her eyes went away from her plate. “I’m happy.” She grinned and resumed herself in eating. Foods could already make her happy.

“You’re love deprived?” She laughed at me. “What happened to Lance?”
“:Lance?” I balked. “Don’t you ever talk about Lance. Don’t you ever mention his name!” Because hearing his name makes me feel the pain I’m trying to bear inside me. Hearing his name would make me remember the time when we were happy together, and misses it. Hearing his name makes me realize how much I miss him. Hearing his name would make me feel foolish, because despite of all the pain he’d caused me, I was still irrevocably in love with him.
“Uh oh! You broke up?” Kirsten eyed me carefully.
I nodded. I looked down into my half-eaten burger, remembering Lance’s voice as he delivered the words that shattered my heart. “He told me he isn’t happy with me anymore. He told me that even if we turned the world upside down, we can never be happy together. He told me that he love somebody else.”
“Oh Riley, I’m so sorry to hear that”, she said gently, and squeezed my hand that was rested on the table. I felt my eyes were stinging.
“Don’t be hurt, Riley, but I just wanted to break this to you.” Arielle spoke again. “Don’t you think it’s the time that you have to stop having a boyfriend? They’ll just hurt you. Because….” There was a pause, then she continued. “… because they really don’t love you. They’re just playing you.”
“I just tried. Hoping that it’ll work out.”
“Of course it’ll not work out.” Her eyebrows merged together. “Guys would always want a girl, Riley. Can’t you get it? Love isn’t fair for gays like you, and never will it be. So…” she popped open the can of her soda. “…please stop. Because it’s kinda irritating every time you’re crying when you’re hurt.”
“As if I could stop my heart and forbid it not to love”, I swallowed hard. “If only it’s possible to live without loving at all, I’d be grateful for that. Because I so know how it hurts when the one you love fall out of love.” I sighed and pressed my lips together. “It’s just that, I’m also a human. I do love. So, don’t you ever talk to me as if it’s my fault.”
“Whatever. If you’ll just set your mind not to, you can do it”, she rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Why not be happy and be contented with the things you have?”
“Because sometimes, the thing that makes us happy is not a thing at all. They are sometimes people whom we wanted to share our love.”
“No one wanted to share their love to you.” She laughed. I felt like crying. I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat, not wanting to burst out crying. I was hurt.
“Please, please”, Kirsten rolled her eyes. “Will you both stop?”
I decided to leave it there and not say another word because I knew it’ll just result into a fight. For that moment, I thought that Arielle was selfish for saying those words that hurts like hell, especially when it came from your friend. I mean, how could she say that? Was I not supposed to be happy, because I am a gay?
Or maybe she’s just concerned about me. Maybe she doesn’t want me to be hurt and cry on her shoulder again. Whatever the reason was, she’s still my friend and I really do love her. After all, they were my only friends in Crustville High.
I just sat there silently, looking down into my plate. My burger was abandoned, except for the one bite. I just listened to Kirsten and Arielle talking, glancing at them several times.
How I wish I could just be like them; girls. Because I really am so sick of the criticisms about my being. Or even when other people discriminates me. It’s not like it’s my fault I’m like this. I’m still worthy of respect and love.
I played with the can of my soda, rolling it on the table. My mind traveled into the past three days, when I was still happy. The days when my heart was still whole because I am with Lance.
Lance was my boyfriend for almost a year, so when he broke up with me, it really shattered my heart into million little pieces. I gave everything to him, hoping that he’ll love me the way I wanted him to. But he still left me. I concluded that being a gay was curse for a lifetime. I’m always chasing for love. But when I caught it, it always slips out of my hand, leaving me miserable and agonizing in pain.
But life must continue going on. Because no matter how badly my heart was broken, the world will not stop to grieve with me. But I really never regret what had happened to me — to us. Yes, it ended badly. But it’s an experience to make me a better person that what I am before.
I guessed it’s just the way it was. I have to learn that I’ll never really have the one I love stay in my arms forever. I just have to love them when they’re still in my arms. It’s up for them to realize if I am worth to be stayed with.
I’ve always been told that no man would ever love me. But no matter what, I’ll always love over and over again. I would still completely believe in love, even if it betrayed me for how many times. I would always chase love wherever they may go. And I am open to anything that will happen to me.
I was really carried away, because when Kirsten called me, I didn’t turn to her. She had to squeeze my hand to bring me back to the present.
“Hey! The bell had already rung.” She snarled. “You gonna skip our class again?”
I looked into them with mouth gaped open. “Er… Sorry.” I grabbed my bag and slang it over my shoulder, leaving my burger only bitten once. I’m sure my stomach would growl in hunger in the middle of the class.
“Daydreaming”, Arielle muttered and laughed. I laughed, too. Forcefully. Arielle turned and walked towards the way out and we followed her behind, until we were in the corridor.
“You okay?” Kirsten asked as Arielle turned and headed to her English class. She rested her hands on my shoulder.
“Yup”, I answered, shaking off her hand.
“Please”, she rolled her eyes. “I know you’re hurt of what Arielle said. It’s obvious.” I looked into the floor, watching my steps. I inhaled deeply and released a heavy sigh.
“Yeah”, I met her gaze. “But she had a point.”
“But you also had a point”, she smiled. “Just keep on loving. And if you’ll hurt, my shoulder’s always here for you.”
“Ready your shoulder, then, because I know I’ll always end up crying.” I said laughingly.
“You know, our hearts are only half”, she said, looking ahead. I looked at her, puzzled. “We just have to find the half of it. I found mine”, she giggled. “And I always knew that you’ll find the half of your heart, too. Just keep on searching.”
“Hmmph. I hope that there’s really one that fitted mine.”
“Of course! You’ll find him. Someday.”
“Yeah! Someday.” I smiled. “And when I found him, I’ll glue our hearts together.”
We laughed. She linked her arm with mine, and together we went inside our History class.



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